I get the strangest urges to write in this journal. I wish I would more, this is what I always say.

I've learned a lot about myself lately. It's weird because I've definitely always been that person who wants to know about everyone else. Why are they the way that they are? I suppose it's always been a mechanism for distraction from myself. But I've turned the microscope onto me and found some things I like, and some I don't.

More and more, everyday, I've learned that I hate lying. I hate the act of, the reasons for, the lies themselves. I realize that sometimes there's just no other way. We lie to protect. We lie to escape. We lie because it's easier than the truth. But I hate being lied to. I would much rather hear the cold, harsh truth than a lie that's going to keep me happy. And I tend to think that whatever I'm being told IS the truth. Because I'm stupid. Because I'm naive. Because I always want to believe you. And because usually, I'm telling you the truth. If you say everything is fine and dandy, then I'm going to think it is. And then a few months later, when you tell me what you were really thinking/feeling/doing, I feel like a failure because I didn't see it. Because I was blinded by that perfect lie that I thought was the truth. I used to think I could sense when people were lying, and sometimes I think I still can. But I've suffered a few too many humdingers that I did not see coming. Please, just tell the truth whenever possible. I will never, ever hate you for being honest.

I've also learned that I am sometimes a shitty friend and that I can be really selfish. Sometimes I act like a three year old if I don't get my way. I'm trying to work on it.

I've learned that I love that I'm going to school for english. And that I don't care if I can't get a really sweet job after graduation, because I'm studying something that I've always loved and that's what I think college should be about. It took me a while to find my niche but I couldn't be happier about it. Oh you have a bachelor's and a real job? Oh ok, cool, I have a life that I love so.... I win. I think it's ridiculous that you're only considered really successful if you have a great job, car, and house. Successful to me means that you are happy, despite your shitty job, car, or house. If you have good people around you and a good mindset then the materialistic things shouldn't matter. Well, they actually shouldn't matter ever, but you know.

Another thing I've learned is that I've slowly become a creature of habit. I suppose we all are but I do get thrown off when something unexpected comes up and I was never really like that before. I guess it just comes with territory of getting older and more comfortable with routines. I don't think it's a good or bad thing, it's just A thing.

Finally, I've learned that family is hugely important. I've always known this, but it's never been so obvious as it is now. I have a new nephew that I love unconditionally which is crazy coming from a person who is a self-proclaimed kid-hater. But it's different when they're apart of your family. His birth has brought the whole family together- a family that hasn't been particularly close for about ten years and it just makes me so happy.

Anyway, until months from now when I get the urge again, toodles.

I should really learn not to be so naive.
Wishful thinking only gets you so far.

How the fuck is it May already? It's ridiculous how fast time goes. And I hear it just gets faster. Great.

Two years ago tomorrow I was leaving for Mackinac and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. In the end, I am glad I did. It was a good experience, I met good people, and it made me appreciate my BFFs and family in a way that I didn't before. That being said, I will never do it again.
I was talking with my advisor the other day and she said that if I really want to do publishing I should go to New York or at least Chicago. Problem is, I don't want to. I like Michigan. Scratch that, I love Michigan. Sure, we suck sometimes but I really can't imagine myself anywhere else. I don't want to limit myself in my career because I don't want to leave but I think everyone has at least one stipulation and that's mine. I think I can still get a decent job editing or maybe doing something completely different around here by the time I graduate. Obviously I want to write, I'm just not sure that I have the talent yet, or if I ever will. I need to just write more, period. But writing papers and doing bullshit all semester tires me out and I can never find the energy, the desire, or the inspiration.
Goals for this summer:
save up for a DSLR.
write.
read.
do well in my one class.
paint.
have fun.

just a false alarm.
being overdramatic.
i am retarded.

something is amuck right now, but i can't quite put my finger on it. and it's really getting to me. and that's unacceptable.
today was a really weird day. and not a good weird.
i don't know what's going to happen, but i know something has to change.

36 credits.
Three semesters.
A year and a half.
'Til I graduate?
What?
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and even though it's incredible I'm still weary. And once I do finally possess a degree, I feel like I'm not going to get a job right away. Because I mean really, I'm majoring in English. I doubt there are jobs readily available. And I don't want to move. As shitty as this state is right now, I don't care. I won't leave. For better or for worse I got mad love for the mitten. Maybe I can just write a book, publish it, sell the movie rights and live off that for the rest of my life and not have to worry about shit. Sounds fantastical. I'm on it.

But seriously? It's fucking weird to imagine myself as a college graduate. But I'm totally glad I finally got my shit together and am heading in the right direction. And with the exception of one math class and a couple French classes, it's all English which makes me ecstatic. No more ridiculous gen ed classes of shit I learned in middle school. I'm looking forward to it.

Growing up and being an adult scares me. I don't want to be boring. I don't really want a 9-5, though it would be nice to have weekends off. But I don't want the fun part of my life to be reduced to 72 hours a week. Yuck I just don't even want to think about it. So I won't for now. I'm glad I have this 36 credit cushion until then.

Other aspects of life- not much to report other than Dad's retired now and Mom's got a defibrillator in the old chest. But in spite of everything, they're doing well. My step-brother and his wife are having a baby. They're so excited and I'm excited for them. It's going to be weird to have a baby running around since there hasn't been one in the immediate fam since, oh, me. Jesus, I really do feel like a grown-up sometimes and I do not enjoy it.

Work is work. I have a love/hate relationship with Buddy's, as I always have. But, really, my job is cake so I have no complaints.

Friends are great, I would not be a functioning human without them. My heart just bursts of love and gratitude when I think about how lucky I am to have friends like these. They truly are my family and they are the reason I'm so content in my life. That being said, I've let a lot of old friendships fall by the wayside- some just fell apart, some just lack contact, and with some, we've just grown apart. I'm working to salvage them, albeit slowly.

Anyway, that's the 411 on what I've been doing. I want to write in this more and I always talk about it so I thought I'd give it another shot. We'll see.

Well, I just read my last entry, and quite a few things changed. I applied to Wayne State and got in and had pretty decent grades this last semester. I no longer feel lost and retarded about what I'm doing with my life, so that's kinda sweet. I have no qualms about having 2+ years left of school because honestly, these years have been the best years of my life and in no way am I ready to let them go and fully become a grown-up.
And summer did finally come and is now almost gone which makes me intensely sad. It's been such a delightful summer for me but I still have about a month left, and that makes me happy even if it flies by.
I will now leave you with a list of excellent things I did this summer:
Bought a "new" car, a '95 Saturn, which I've named Iris. She's a beaut.
Visited my friends on Mackinac. I feel like I'm going to have intense emotional ties with that place forever.
Saw so many movies that I can't remember all of them but the ones that stick out are: Dark Knight (obviously), Step Brothers, Wanted, Wall-E, Get Smart, Sex and the City, The Wackness, and PINEAPPLE EXPRESS <3333333333.
Spent a lot of quality days and nights with my best friends. I honestly have the greatest, funniest, weirdest friends in the world.
Worked my ass off and loved it.
Weeds parties every Monday. That show is fucking crazy and I love it.
Saw some bombastic fireworks.
Walked for titties, which made me feel like a good samaritan.
Ate a lot of ice cream.
Smoked some of the wackiest bud.
Consumed Sonic for the very first time. It IS worth all the hype.

Summer is almost here. I've never needed it more. I hope I pass all my classes. The effort really isn't there, but I'm still truckin' along. I feel nostalgic, like, high school nostalgic. It's weird, when things are brought to your attention that you have completely forgotten about, even though when it happened, it was the biggest deal ever. That's been happening a lot lately. I can't figure out if I'm comforted or unnerved by that. It's like yeah in the long run it won't matter, but will anything?
Shit.
I wish I didn't fight so much, especially when it's so unnecessary. I've got a bad temper and I think it has gotten worse. I don't know why. I can't tell if I'm just crazy or if others are crazy, thus driving me crazy. Maybe that's a sign you are crazy?
Shit.
I need to apply somewhere. Soon. Now. HFCC for a fifth year is the last place in the world I want to be. Pretty sure it's going to be Wayne. Kind of nervous. The first time I transferred it didn't work so well. I think I'm a little more solidified in what I want to do. I want to write. But I don't think journalism is right for me. I hate the news. It's not really a career I can see myself in.
Shit.
I banking on this whole lottery idea.

Hurry the fuck up, May.

after reading some entries from years ago, i decided i need to write in here, again.
but not about what i did yesterday. and not like a twelve year old.
well, if i want. but i don't want to.
but yesterday was good.

i like creative writing. and i like that teach is a badass and gives second chances.
attendance never was my forte.
i like poetry more now. but i don't love it.

it's getting to the point where i need to make some life decisions. and not poor ones, if at all possible.

I wish I could be more dedicated.

I half-ass absolutely everything; work, school, relationships. Hell, I can't even update this journal on a regular basis.

If I had been more dedicated and on point in college, I could be graduating next year.
But instead, I fucked around, transferred when it really didn't make sense to, and now I'm back at the place I use to loathe. Funny how things turn out.
Granted, if I were graduating next year, it would probably be in something stupid like business. Not saying business is a stupid thing to major in, just for me it is.
I miss freshman year. Oddly enough I feel more confused now than I ever did then.
I'm starting to doubt myself again, in terms of what I'm majoring in.
It's just that you can't do a lot with a fine arts degree, unless you're really talented.
I don't think I am.
I wish I was better at math. Or interested in computers. It's where all the money is. Or I wish I wasn't freaked out by blood and people and hospitals so I could be a nurse.
But I want to have a job I enjoy. Am I stupid for thinking that could ever happen? Don't a VERY select few actually love their jobs? Probably.
I almost wish I would have stuck with my original major. I wanted to be a psychologist so badly- I still really do. But I feel like I could never complete that much school or possibly gather that much money for school. I also don't feel like I'm smart enough to be a psych major. Plus, I've already wasted 2 years. I don't want to start over... again. There are so many things I want to be; a writer, a photographer, a psychologist, a movie critic, a music critic, an editor. I want to be published. I'd write an autobiography but my life is far from interesting. I'd end up lying about most of it.
Why can't I just win the lottery? Honestly, I'd be SET with like 2 million. I'd donate a good portion of it.
AGHHH, I'm only 20 and I feel like I'm running out of time. That's an extremely depressing thought.

I hate money. I've been worrying about money pretty constantly since I was 6 years old. I get stomach cramps when I think about paying for college and my usual negative bank account balance. And yet I can go to Target and blow $70 in 30 minutes. What's wrong with me? I can be so irresponsible sometimes. I blame my family. We all have these kinds of spending habits. I would save so much money if I could stop buying things I don't need. I don't need new clothes. I don't need movies when I can rent them for much cheaper. I don't NEED to see movies right when they come out. I don't need cigarettes. I don't need Starbucks. I don't need Taco Bell. I don't need to buy books when I have a library less than a mile away. I don't need a new purse every couple weeks. I don't need to go out to eat when my mom will gladly go grocery shopping for me. I made a substantial amount of money this past year and I have NOTHING to show for it. I really hate myself sometimes. I don't pay rent, I pay VERY low car insurance, I give my mom money for my cell bill every once in a while, I don't really even pay for college. It's disgusting how much money I've spent since I've graduated.

I know I'm kinda late and I never make New Years resolutions but I need to not spend so much this year. Going up to Mackinac Island to work this summer should help with that. But I'm gonna be paying rent and relying on myself for everything, so that's kind of scary/overwhelming.

But I'm about ready for a change. I really can't wait to leave.

Have you ever just wanted to drop everything and get in your car and drive away and never comeback?

This past year was really different. When I think back to where I was last year at this time and where I am right now it freaks me out a little. So much has changed since then. I think I've changed a lot too, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I tried new things and had new experiences that I never thought I would. I did exactly what I wanted and I don't think I've ever done that before. I'm always too concerned about the person that I want to be and am and the person that my parents and family want and know me to be. I decided that I just can't do exactly what my parents want me to do anymore- it's not my problem that my dad scoffs and acts disappointed everytime I tell him I'm taking an art class, it's his problem. I'm sorry that I won't settle for mediocrity and some shitty desk job that will make me want to projectile vomit on myself. I'm sorry that I actually want to do something I love and be successful, even if it takes me a little while longer to get there.
I'm trying to be more honest, not only with others but with myself and I think that's kind of working out for me.

This past year was a wake up call of sorts. Like the fact that things tend to change really, really fast and that most of the time, I'm not ready for it. And if I don't like it, I basically go into denial mode and won't believe it until I absolutely have no choice. I still am in disbelief over some things and still haven't really come to terms with them, but I'm working on it.

I learned a lot about myself this year, and specifically this semester. Like the fact that I HATE fucking U of M Dearborn and stupid bullshit classes. Also the fact that I decided that I'd rather major in something that I love that might give me an uncertain future than to major in something safe that I know I can get a job with. I dunno, that might sound crazy but there just isn't any other way for me to do it. I cannot physically make myself do something that I don't want to do.

Transferring all around is screwing with my credits and you could basically say that my semester long stint at UM-D was a complete waste of time and money but obviously I learned from it because I am on a whole new path now and I think that this semester really helped me finally make some decisions, which is basically the hardest thing for me to do, ever.
Granted, it's still going to be a couple years until I graduate but you know what? College is supposed to be the best time of your life and it pretty much has been so I see nothing wrong with extending it for a couple more semesters.

For some reason, this year made me desperately miss high school. I honestly miss it so much. You think this would have hit me like two years ago. I just miss everything about it. I'm weird. I think it's maybe this random turn all my friendships decided to take. It's so weird who you end up being friends with and who you don't. And also who leaves and who stays and how you somehow manage to sustain friendships. I'm honestly shocked about how I've kept such long friendships because I feel like I tend to neglect some and favor others when I don't mean to. But I would honestly break down without my friends though. I'm glad I have these people in my life, even if I feel like we aren't as close anymore, literally and figuratively.
I've never really like, embraced a new year. Probably because I've never had one that's been bad or good enough to give me like an epiphany or something so I never really thought about the whole 'new year' idea. Or something. God, I make absolutely no sense at all. Anyway, I don't really have any resolutions, just stuff I need to work on. Like being more dedicated in school, taking my care of myself because my sleeping habits are wreaking havoc on me, and saving more money. And not sending as many text messages because that's really costing me a lot of money. Why can't I just call people like a normal person?

Anyway this is probably the longest and most annoying entry I've ever written and it needs to end. My apologies to anyone who might've actually read any of this nonsense. Shit I need to sleeeeeeeep.

Keep on keepin' on.

Finally figuring out what the hell you want to do with your life, and most importantly coming up with a plan on how to do it, is totally sweet. All because I couldn't fall asleep. Cool.
Things are looking up.

So, tonight, after two hours of being at Target, three days before Christmas, I came to the realization that the whole country is just a bunch of procrastinators.
It's good to know I'm not alone.

And after blowing my entire check shopping today, I got EXTREME buyer's remorse and called up to Buddy's and cancelled the unpaid vacation I took and told them to hook me up with some hours.

And I'm prettty sure I'm going to be placed on academic probation after this semester.

I suck.

Starbucks D-bo is no longer 24 hrs.
I think I died a little.


R.I.P. going to Starbucks at 3am. I'll miss you. ='[

So Granholm won. Score one for the good guys.
I'd be real scared if DeVos had won.

AND BRITNEY AND K.FED ARE DONE.
I've been waiting for so, so long.


Tom and Katie: YOU'RE NEXT.

And I really wish Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon weren't splitting up. I love them a lot. They were easily my fave celeb couple and the only ones I cared about staying together. Say it ain't so. =[

I got season 4 of Dawson's Creek for $17.99 at Target. I think I peed a little.

( {EDIT: SOME PICTURES I TOOK AWHILE BACK.} )

Tonight is my last night in Redford.
Sort of bittersweet.
Mostly sweet.
I dunno, I kinda felt like this day would never come, and now it's here and it's really weird.
I really suck at packing. I kinda just throw things into laundry baskets and trash bags and throw them in my car. Oh well, whatever gets the job done.
Anyway, I'm tired.

PEACE OUT Redfordians.

I am going to start writing in this more diligently from now on..
Maybe.
Probably.


We'll see how it goes.
Not that anyone really reads this.

I hate school. I honestly would be okay with dropping out as of right now. It's just such bullshit. It's a game. It has nothing to do with education or learning, college is one big, stupid game.
And I don't feel like playing.
Profs are the scum of the earth. Class participation points can bite my ass. I do my work, I do well, what the fuck else do you want? I don't want to talk to people in class because 95% of the time, they are tools and I hate them.
I hate that the ONE class I actually like, I never go to because it's in the morning and I never wake up in time. I seriously suck at life. And school.

Moving is really stressful. I'm tired all the time because I think about moving my shit all day and then I go to sleep and I dream about moving shit all night. I wake up exhausted. Finally my room at the new house is all painted and carpeted and ready to go. The "Big Move" as my parents refer to it is next Thursday. I'm scared.

I'm also broke as a joke. And will be until further notice. I really don't know how this happened. Oh wait, yes I do, I SUCK at saving money. Plus, I bought a $400 IKEA bed and went to South Carolina to visit Chris.
Okay, so at least I know where SOME of my money went.

In closing:
SCHOOL: Sucks.
MOVING: Sucks.
MONAY SITUATION: Sucks.
My life? Sucks.

Sally, Amanda, and I met David Sedaris today.
He gave us presents and told Sally she was cute, in Japanese.